Nate Varrone

4:51 am - Mon, Mar 21, 2011

7 notes

A Fucking Tool’s Guide to Fashion: SS 2011

So, if you’re like me then you’re thinkin’: how can I look like a fucking tool this Spring? Well, you are in luck my friend! Because I’ve assembled the ultimate guide to looking like a fucking tool this Spring Season. 

Coming home after a long day of class (you’re probably in Fisher or go to Miami) that you probably didn’t show up for and you definitely didn’t shower for because, ya know, you’re not going to bang some broad in class! So, how are you going to conceal that greasy hair of yours? Well have I got the solution for you, you fucking tool. It’s one of the hottest items this Spring season. It’s a the SNAPBACK HAT! Time to show off what’s left of your receding hair line! And no fitted flat-brimmed hats, folks! Those are reserved for baseball players and poor people!

Next, you’re going to want to wear some sunglasses… but gravity is so crazy and confusing, right? How are you going to keep them from falling off of your head? Well, you’re in luck because this Spring, The O Patio’s lost in found won’t feature any pairs of sunglasses because of the neck strap! Even though millions of people in the world wear glasses without them ever falling off—but you know, that’s different. Sunglasses are, you know, they’re different. 

Now that your head looks like a tool’s should and I’m sure your face is on an equal scale of tool-ocity and if not, then this next addition to the tool’s spring season fashion guide should definitely do the trick! It’s a pastel colored Ralph Lauren shirt! Remember, pastel colors only! This spring at The O Patio on Wednesdays at 4pm, you want to look like you were the product of Easter Bunny-rape!

Along the same lines of the Easter Bunny-rape thing, you’re going to want your shorts to be pastel colored as well (khaki, grey, or white will do). Now, you want these shorts to be above the knees, at the least. Anything below could be considered “juggalo apparel.” The higher the shorts go, the more prestigious you will look. But don’t go too high or you’ll end up looking like a gay, haha (but if you want to touch your bro’s balls in like a party-situation, that’s totally cool)! You also want these shorts sans pockets because you want that sorority girl at Charlie Bear to know that you’ve got nothing to hide ;) … It also makes your balls look a little bigger in the shorts themselves. The photo below is scaled to size. This is about how small they should be:

And finally, now that you’re looking like the Pocahontas of tools you can spice it up a bit with some footwear. When you’re not wearing your timberlands and sweatpants to class (probably Marketing 553), you’re going to want something to top off your pseudo, old, rich bastard, look with something that no one wears. And that’s boat shoes, of course! Because who doesn’t want to look like a colorful old man that just fucked a mermaid? 

And that’s been this Spring’s Fucking Tool’s Guide to Fashion. I hope your spring is filled with shirtless disc golf, Lonely Island jams, and an odd gratification from not donating to the homeless. 

Also, date-rape pills. You’re going to want those. Because, ya know, girls just don’t know that they’re gonna love it.