Cheating THE BEST® (Women’s Edition)
If you’re reading this then you’re either cheating on someone currently, thinking about cheating, or have cheated on someone in the past and said to yourself, “Oops!” Well, you are in the right place.
Hi, I’m Donna Summers (not the singer, but just as glamorous) and I’m a cheating consultant. Here are some simple guidelines that will ensure that your cheating experience is THE BEST®!
Reassure your boyfriend that you are NOT cheating on him. This might sound like a “no brainer” but all too often I see cheaters who will never preemptively tell their partner that they aren’t cheating on them. Say things like, “You know what I would never do? Cheat on you,” or go a more subconscious route by saying, “It would be against my morals to CHEAT in Monopoly. Also, in the board game Life. I would never CHEAT in Life,” or you could go with the slingshot technique by saying, “Hey could you get the groceries? They’re in the car. Also, I’m not cheating on you.” A simple phrase
Throw out your answering machine. Now. Ladies, how many movies have you seen where you hear beep, “Hey, Linda, I had a great time last night on our date. I just wanted to see if you would want to go on another date because our last date was awesome. Also, thanks for the thing in the car, haha!” and then you see the boyfriend like, “Linda, would like to explain yourself?” and then the girl has to make up some dumb lie like, “Oh, that’s nothing. We’re doing this thing in the office where we pretend that we went on dates with each other and that I blow people in the car after the date. It’s hilarious, right?”
Don’t let your boyfriend watch Cheaters. You don’t want your boyfriend to know that there is a television program in existence that will investigate you and then humiliate you on national television. Remember when the host got stabbed? I just wish that guy would’ve gone for the inner thigh and taken out the bastard once and for all…
Actively find evidence that you are being cheated on. If you get caught (God forbid) then you have something to throw back in his face. If you can’t find any evidence then just blackmail him. Go to a Laundromat and steal a pair of dirty panties and then put it in his lunch box or something. He’ll be like, “I know you’re cheating on me” and then you can be like, “Yeah, well why is there a pair of dirty silk laced panties in your lunchbox?” He’ll be dumbfounded and confused long enough for you to take the television and move out of state.
Don’t be concerned about all the lies you’ll be telling. Some people are always like, “Well, one lie turns into ten lies.” But I like to think of all the lies you’re telling as just one big lie.
Make sure the men you date are really, really stupid. This is key.
