Nate Varrone

12:42 am - Thu, Nov 10, 2011

5 notes

My Life as a Video Game

Level 1: There are turtles milling back and forth in between gaps that descend to hell. But the turtles aren’t bad, they’re nice turtles. You don’t want to step on the turtles! Why would you step on the turtles? They aren’t a threat at all. The boss in this level is Stephen Walkowski. He will shake you up and down for change. When he does, use the money to invest in a mutual fund. He’ll be sorry for even revealing to you the extra money that you didn’t even know was inside your foreskin.

Level 2: Takes place in my cul de sac. The enemies in the level are my neighbor, Mr. Thorson. You don’t jump on his head, though. You just press A and you tell him to go inside. The boss in this level is Mr. Thorson as well, but it has three Mr. Thorson heads like a Cerberus dog! You have to keep feeding him Scotts Miracle Grow for his stupid lawn, then you flamethrower his faces until they’ve melted. Obtain golden key for next level (which was his NOSE THE WHOLE TIME). 

Level 3:  Somehow you got shrunk so that you could fit inside the human body. The human body you’re in? Mrs. Lee, my math teacher. You have to navigate to her heart to stop it from beating, but her heart is A PTERODACTYL! The enemies in this level are cancer cells. They are enemies to Mrs. Lee, though, so you let them stay. They’re not on your side either, so just try to jump around them. As previously mentioned, the boss is a pterodactyl heart that you have to stop from beating. All you have is a salt shaker, you must cover the dinosaur heart with sodium until it explodes inside Mrs. Lee’s body. But before it explodes there will be an awesome countdown sequence where you have to rush out of her body before everything explodes. You get into your tiny space ship and then hastily make your way for her butthole or uterus. You can kill the cancer cells now, because it won’t matter, Mrs. Lee is going to die. 

Level 4: Takes place in my church: Victory Christian Fellowship. The enemies in this level are babies. Not because I want to kill babies but because they won’t shut the fuck up during the sermon. You don’t have to jump on them. That’s cruel. You can just roll them gently into the gaps in the level by pressing B. There are also guilt-lightning bolts coming down from the sky because you just masturbated before the level started. The boss in this level is not Jesus. It’s my Youth Minister. You have to throw bottles of Jim Beam at him to remind him of his past alcoholism. After he crumbles in tears, you flamethrower him. His tears turn into the key for the next level. 

Level 5: This takes place under water. This level is impossible to beat.

Level 6: Takes place in your Dad’s law office. The enemies are his slut secretaries that want to fuck you because they know you’re going to take over the family law firm and they want partner even though they won’t have law degrees. You must jump on their sluts heads, even though they have large breasts. The final boss in the game is your father. He has three forms. The first is a giant turtle (I didn’t want to kill any turtles). You must throw good grades at him until he collapses with minimal satisfaction. The next form is a broken condom, reminding you that you were a mistake. You must throw democrat lawn signs at his face until he collapses in political frustration. His final form is a demon version of him, but he’s youthful and almost nude. You have to throw your love at him because he’ll never realize that you just want to be a dancer and not a lawyer. He’ll never see that what he does hurts his son and that it really affects him emotionally. Sometimes he can’t sleep and cries at night, alone. All the other dads are accepting and encouraging of their children in their individual pursuits. Flamethrower his youthful, naked body. 

Ending credits…

Everything:

Shigeru Miyamoto