February 2012
1 post
5 tags
Dad: Son, can I come in?
Son: No! Get out, Dad! You’ll never understand me!
Dad opens the door with a live goat and then slits its throat.
Son: So you do understand me…
Dad: Bring it in, son.
January 2012
7 posts
4 tags
Really funny web series written by Mark Raterman →
3 tags
Terrible Improv Group Photos Coupled with Terrible...
Home Improvment
I Can’t Believe it’s Not Utter(ly Hilarious)! Moo Moo!
Nutty Laughs Town
The TomSTOOLlery Fart Farts
The Giggle Mill (actual name of group shown above)
5 tags
E! Network Expansion
E! Entertainment news, celebrity gossip, celebrity news
E? Entertainment that isn’t quite sure if it’s entertainment or not (reality television)
E. Entertainment that guesses the menstruation cycles of celebrities
E* Entertainment on STARZ
E$ Entertainment that makes you feel poor and lonely
E$* Entertainment that shows how poor and lonely celebrities are and it’s on STARZ
E@ Entertainment that...
4 tags
Proper Noun
Hello. I’m an ORANGE. Delightful to meet you, sir. Forgive me, as I must take off my shoes before entering your fine establishment!
3 tags
Cheating THE BEST® (Women’s Edition)
If you’re reading this then you’re either cheating on someone currently, thinking about cheating, or have cheated on someone in the past and said to yourself, “Oops!” Well, you are in the right place.
Hi, I’m Donna Summers (not the singer, but just as glamorous) and I’m a cheating consultant. Here are some simple guidelines that will ensure that your cheating experience is THE BEST®!
Reassure...
4 tags
Coca-Cola Ads
Cheers to New York City being crushed by an enormous Coca-Cola meteor from outer-space!
Me: Hey, Sun?
Sun: Yeah?
Me: You realize that by taking a sip of that Coke, you just crushed all four inner planets, killing billions of women and children. Not to mention, all multicellular life in our solar system.
Sun: Oh, c’mon, baby. It’s all good!
Me: No, it’s not all good!
...
2 tags
Woman: You know what they say about long noses, right?
Pinocchio: No, what?
Woman: That you’re a puppet and you don’t have a dick.
December 2011
11 posts
5 tags
BABYBJÖRN PRODUCTS!
BABYBJÖRN FANNY PACK!
BABYbuttBJÖRN!
BABYBJÖRN for TWINS! Shoulder Pad Edition!
BABYBJÖRN FACE MASK!
BABYBABYBJÖRN
BABYBJÖRKBJÖRN
5 tags
The Peanuts Gang: Where They Are Now
Charlie Brown ended up going to University of Connecticut, on scholarship, where he double majored in Finance and Economics. Upon graduation, he moved to New York City to take up a job in The New York Stock Exchange. He was the co-chairman during the 9/11 attacks and was a key member in the meeting with the controversial terrorist group FARC from Columbia. In 2004 he was convicted for insider...
4 tags
2 tags
-The name’s Florence. But…you wouldn’t want nothin’ to do with a little old lady like me, now wouldja?
-Deposit or withdrawal.
-Deposit.
What That Dude in the Folgers Commercial Was Doing...
Folgers Guy: Look, I don’t know about this, alright?
African Guerilla Leader: We had a fucking deal! You take the heroin to America and you’ll get $45,000 once you arrive there safely with the drugs.
Folgers Guy: I don’t know! This is a lot of heroin. I just. I feel like I’m going to get caught.
…
African Guerilla Leader: I…see you have a sister in Idaho...
November 2011
6 posts
Dudes and a Parrot
Kyle: Hey, I wanna suck your dick.
Parrot: Rahh! Hey, I wanna suck your dick.
The dudes laugh.
Drew: Hey, wait a second, guys. Shouldn’t the parrot be mimicking our laughter right now?
….
Stanley: Wait. Shouldn’t it have said what you just said?
Kyle: Dude, what the fuck, man!
Drew: Did that parrot just legit want to suck your dick, dude?
Parrot: I want to suck your...
Angels in the Outfield-Water Polo Sequel
J.P.: Oh my God. There’s so many dead angels…
Roger: What the fuck just happened?????
J.P.: I don’t know, Roger!!!!!
Roger: There are feathers clogging up the filters. We’ll never be able to clean this up!!!
J.P.: Stop worrying about the fucking feathers, Roger! Why the fuck are there dead angels in the pool.
Roger: They can’t swim. Angels can’t...
My Life as a Video Game
Level 1: There are turtles milling back and forth in between gaps that descend to hell. But the turtles aren’t bad, they’re nice turtles. You don’t want to step on the turtles! Why would you step on the turtles? They aren’t a threat at all. The boss in this level is Stephen Walkowski. He will shake you up and down for change. When he does, use the money to invest in a...
2 tags
Harken the Bats
Hey, it’s me TOMMY LIGHTNING from Harken the Bats (www.myspace.com/harkenthebats3), a Christian hardcore metal band from Hell Saint Paul, Minnesota.
Now, I know a lot of you guys are like, metal AND Christian ideals? You’ve gotta choose one or the other. You can’t be Metallica and DC Talk, you can’t be Metallitalk (copyright Tommy Lightning 2011)! Look, I love Jesus...
2 tags
White Collar Comedy Tour
Presenting Todd Wilmington!
Have youuuuuuuuuu ever been in a ponzi scheme? It was started by a fellow named Charles Ponzi. Man I wonder what that guy’s lemonade stand was like! He was probably like, “Hey, if you buy into this fraudulent lemonade investment, then I’m going to pay you back with other lemonades that I got from Tommy down the street. Who’s Father went to...
October 2011
2 posts
If Bill Clinton Robbed a Bank...
Cop: Alright, kid, take off the mask.
Bill Clinton: It’s not a mask.
Cop: Take off the fucking mask!
Bill Clinton: I’m telling you I—
Cop charges Bill and tries to rip off the skin on his face. Bill Clinton screams in agony. He succeeds.
Cop: Oh my god…
…
Cop: You were born without a face? Jesus Christ…
March 2011
1 post
A Fucking Tool's Guide to Fashion: SS 2011
So, if you’re like me then you’re thinkin’: how can I look like a fucking tool this Spring? Well, you are in luck my friend! Because I’ve assembled the ultimate guide to looking like a fucking tool this Spring Season. Coming home after a long day of class (you’re probably in Fisher or go to Miami) that you probably didn’t show up for and you definitely...
July 2010
1 post
Big Things To Come
Look out.
May 2010
2 posts
This will happen to you in your next interview:
It is estimated that about 20% of companies are secretly scanning online profiles before they interview applicants.
Interviewer: Well, Kelly, everything looks fantastic. You graduated from Columbia University-summa cum laude with honors, you were the managing editor of your school’s newspaper, were awarded the John Burwitz Scholarship for Journalism, and served as Vice President of your...
Eric and Ariel Talk Sex
Eric: So… you are fully human down there, right?
Ariel: Well, not exactly…my father only granted me with human legs. I still can only reproduce the way the mermen do.
Eric: So wait. You just have legs….and your vagina is still made of like fish scales?
Ariel shows Erics her fish vagina.
Eric: O-Oh god, that is……….strange.
Ariel: Oh Eric, I’m so...
March 2010
5 posts
If First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again.
If first you don’t succeed, don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as getting less precarious.
If first you don’t succeed, well then you’re a pussy says Chip Gutman—ruthless 2nd Grade P.E. teacher.
If first you don’t succeed, try, try again and then once more. After that you can pretty much call it a day.
If first you don’t succeed, try, try again...
Starvation as brought to you by The Lost Boys from...
-Rufio, we haven’t eaten for days. We need food or we’re going to starve to death.
-Use your imagination!
-Yeah, see—the thing about imagination is that it’s not real, it’s made up. Imagination has zero caloric intake and no nutritional value of any kind. We’re starving Rufio, we can’t go on like this for much longer.
-Alright! Fine! I don’t...
60's Bands /w Mispelled Animal Names That Didn't...
The Gyraffes
The Kanjarooooos
The Bares
The Wyrms
The Humahns
The Higheenas
The Nyrwalls
The Wulfz
The Allygytyrs
Ermadilloes
The Shipmunks
The Wails
The Cheatas
The Samons
&
The Bí tles
3 tags
A Conversation That Will Never Happen:
-Um, sir. It seems there is a woman named Cindy who had been shouting things at your movie. I think they could be of use.
-Go on…
-Well, sir. When Kelly was about to go into the barn she screamed, “Don’t go into the barn, Kelly!!” …And when you think about it, if she wouldn’t have gone into the barn then she wouldn’t have been killed.
-My word!...
February 2010
8 posts
Ad Agency Discusses Campbell's Soup Commercial.
-Alright, here’s the pitch: We first take a small child and bury him in snow completely while forcefully rolling him into a snowman.
-But, sir, he’ll certainly die, He’ll freeze to deat-
-Let me finish. Ok, here’s where the Campbell’s Soup comes in. The soup is so tasty and hot that it melts the snow entirely, providing the previously frozen child with a nice bowl...
Medieval Activists
Young Peasant: Sire! Look at all of the fallen knights.
Knight: Those aren’t knights, they’re animal rights activists.
Young Peasant: Lol.
In medieval times peasants didn’t have the right to laugh, so they resorted to expressing their laughter by saying “Lol.”
Mary Carillo Proves Herself to be a Human Female.
Hello and welcome to the 2010 Winter Olympics, I’m Mary Carillo. Today, I will be physically showing the world my vagina as to prove that I am, in fact, a female. This should validate me as an upstanding female and not a man. Some have speculated that I am nor male or female but an alien-sent to earth to confuse the general public. I assure you that these accusations are false. Tony, could...
Seriously? - by Jesus H. Christ
OK, you guys are making it really hard to be perfect right now. I think there a few people out there that don’t quite get my purpose or why I’m here on this Earth. I mean, I am really close to losing it right now.
Breathe, Jesus. Breathe. You’re the “Prince of Peace,” remember? Just be calm. Whew. Sorry.
All right, let me reiterate this one more time — I’m the son of God, and I was sent here...
Why the spanish language was created by The Devil.
The Devil: Oo, yes! I know! Ok, alright, so get this: I’m going to create a language where the word Jesus is actually pronounced “hey Zeus!” AAAAAHAHAHA, So like when people are like, “Oh… Jesus- I love you,” they’re really just professing their love for Zeus, the pagan Greek god. Haha, isn’t that just the biggest slap in the face? Whewww, oh man....
How I imagine Wall Street works:
Dow Jones: Hey, do you guys want to play a shouting game?
Man with tie1: Oh! That sounds fun, how do you play?
Dow Jones: Well, you just raise your hands out toward me and then you shout really loud.
Man with tie2: Ooo, I wanna play!
Man with tie3: Yeah, me too!
Dow Jones: OH! OH! This is going to be so much fun! Um, whoever wins gets this box of NERDS!
Man with tie1: Oh man! My favorite!
...
Deron answers the question: Why does milk go so...
AIGHT, people axin’ me sometimes: “DERON, WHY DO CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES GO SO GOOD WIT MILK?” You lucky! Cause I gotz an answer to that question. To get to that answer we first got to answer anotha question (I KNOW TOO MANY QUESTIONS, RIGHT????): Where does milk come from? Milk comes from titties. And who don’t love titties? (AIGHT, NO MORE QUESTIONS I PROMISE). So when you dippin’ yo cookie in...
How I imagine "The viagra talk" would go with your...
Doc: So, how’s the wife Glen?
Glen: She’s good
Doc: C’mon Glen, how’s the wife?
Pause
Glen: Alright, we’re having a little bit of trouble.
Doc: We’re having a bit of trouble?
Glen: Alright, I’m having a bit of trouble…
Doc: Well what’s the problem?
Glen: I can’t, you know…get it up.
Doc: Well, I don’t believe you.
Glen: What?
Doc: Show me your penis.
Glen: What?...
January 2010
2 posts
Scientology.com's FAQs
Wait, you guys are aware that your entire religion is based on a science fiction novel, right?
-Yes, we are fully aware of that.
Wait, wait wait-and you guys aware that science fiction novels are written by…science fiction writers. Not philosophers, prophets, or any divine being of any kind.
-Ok, now this is just getting hateful.
Hey, you guys do know that if Dr. Seuss were to create a...
December 2009
1 post
"Guess Who?" with Steve & Todd
Steve and Todd are playing “Guess Who?” Steve has two people (Alex & Max) left to choose from, it’s Steve’s turn:
Steve: Is your guy a homosexual?
Todd: What?
Steve: Is he gay…does he like men?
Todd: I –
Steve: You know, rainbows, Elton John…you know gay. Is your guy gay?
Todd:I know what that means, OK! I don’t know, man. Maybe, kinda? I mean,...
November 2009
2 posts
The Lantern: Advice to NASA, USDA, and President...
8thfloorimprov:
by Nate Varrone
Dear NASA, USDA and President Obama,
I am writing to you all based on your own ignorance. I am writing you to say that we could potentially end every major problem facing this country and the world.
First and foremost I will address you, NASA. Have you guys seriously not read “Jack and the Beanstalk?” There is literally a whole new world right above the lower...
http://www.thelantern.com/arts/comedy-column-advice... →
October 2009
5 posts
P90X Disc Four (Straight-Male Specific) Muscle...
Incredibly Ripped Old Man: Alright, great job with those biceps guys! Now we are really going to confuse those muscles. Alright, now pull down your pants. Go to you’re the nearest computer and type in www.asianmanwhore.com into your internet browser. Now, here’s where the real confusion begins. Attempt to form an erection to the best of your abilities based on the streaming videos you are watching...